How to talk to your teen if they’ve been exposed to porn

Imagine this: You stand outside your teen’s bedroom door. You knock a few times and there’s no answer. A few moments pass by and you knock again. All is quiet. You make an executive decision to enter the room. As the door opens, you find your teenager sitting down with the headphones on, facing the laptop screen, oblivious to the world. You walk closer, gently tap your teen’s shoulder, and that’s when you see it – Porn. A naked man and woman engaging in acts that are beneath the dignity of the human person.

What’s worse is what is being depicted is not the marital embrace but a completely perverse encounter. Your teen realizes that you are there, scrambling to turn of the screen, shocked that you were there in the first place. But it’s too late. You know what your teen has been up to and there’s no hiding it now.

This scenario is not uncommon, sadly. It is a tornado of sewage taking over our world, leaving a destructive wake in it’s path.

As a father or mother, what can you do? How do you stop it? Is there any possible way to move forward after your precious child has been exposed?

The truth about pornography

Pornography is a disease of the mind, heart & vision. It is garbage that is present in countless media outlets that corrupts what is true, good & beautiful. It is embedded in our culture – from movies, television programs, magazines on checkout lanes, and especially online. We strive everyday to protect our children, yet the moment their foot steps out that door, they are vulnerable. And now with technology at their fingertips, the dangers can be found in your own home and in the privacy of their own bedroom.

When I was first exposed to pornography at age 11, I was emotionally vulnerable, desperately seeking intimacy. The images I saw were confusing, yet because I felt I couldn’t share what I was going through with anyone, I kept it a secret.
Yet secrets have power. Like a monster locked in a chest in the attic, the noise of this monster of porn locked inside of me would get louder and louder, coming out in very unhealthy ways.

Sadly, from my personal and professional experience, most children who get exposed to pornography are not given an outlet to express their emotions of what they have experienced.

Thus, if your child has been exposed, as their father or mother, engage your children with curiosity, not condemnation. Make it clear your home is a “no shame zone”. Create an environment where they know they can come to you to share what is in their heart & mind.

Here are some starting points to ask:

• Do you know what porn is?
• What emotions and feelings did watching porn evoke in you?
• Were you watching porn out of curiosity or boredom?
• Is there a longing for physical affection?
• How did you feel after watching porn?
• What messages are you receiving about men, women, relationships, etc. from watching porn?

All these questions and more are meant to encourage reflection and dialogue between parent and child, not from a place of judgement, disappointment, or shame, but one of understanding.

The effects of pornography

Once we connect with our children on an emotional level, then we can begin to use logic, teaching them the truth. And before we can get to a solution, we must first be a recognition of the problem.

Often, teenagers just want to experiment. This is part of them testing their boundaries and of growing up. However, if they are experimenting with something harmful, it’s going to have negative consequences, hurting them and others. No one is immune and porn is not “harmless” for anyone.

The goal here is to come to their level, helping them to understand what pornography is what it is not. Make it clear to your child:

• Pornography is not love, it is lust. Love is about self-gift and willing the best for others; lust is about using others for one’s selfish, sexual gratification.
• Pornography is not real; those who are in the images/videos are simply pretending to have a good time; in fact, many, many of them are victims of human trafficking.
• Pornography is not what God made the marital embrace to be; instead, porn is what the demonic-twisting of something very beautiful.

These facts are simply a baseline upon which the conversation should start. (To go deeper, check out my book “Redeemed Vision” as well as my 12-part series, “Redeeming our Vision” (found @ FORMED.org).

In reality, pornography use is the equivalent of drug use. “But there is no physical substance ingested”, you may say. This is what makes pornography use so deadly. They don’t need a physical substance but through allowing various chemicals be stirred up – such as dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, and testosterone – they can quickly become hooked.

Viewing pornography may begin as a seemingly merely pleasurable and harmless rendezvous, but a person will soon need more of it to get the same high. Thus a person who watches inevitably will need to see more images filled with violence & darker images, some including child pornography.

Toward a game plan for overcoming pornography

Raising kids – and teens in particular – is a challenge in our pornified culture. But with a bit of wisdom – and a whole lot of grace – you can see them become the men & women God has created them to be.

Here are a few key areas to focus on:

1. Set a firm foundation of truth: I have no doubt that our teenagers will question and call us out on the truth of the above info; therefore, go into your conversations prepared. Equip yourself with statistics. Read the research papers online and share what you find with your your teen. Don’t worry if they’re not impressed or if you get eye rolls. They are listening, and it will sink in. (A great non-religious resource about the dangers of pornography is fightthenewdrug.org.)
2. Gratitude: If you want to overcome a habit, you must put something better in it’s place. One of these foundational “betters” is gratitude. Help your child to foster an attitude of recognize the good in their life by practice having a minute of gratitude daily. Ask them what their grateful for and most importantly, let them know how grateful you are that they are your child who is part of your family. Your teen needs to know that they are a gift. They are no mistake and that they are wanted, welcomed and loved even more by God than yourself.
3. Redeem their vision: Nakedness is not the problem with pornography, for when God created man and woman, the body revealed the soul. Our loving Father gave us His divine vision for us to see others in truth. Whereas porn instead reduces each person to their physical or emotional characteristics, pushing us to use others, a redeemed vision inspires not a reduction of the human person, but the ability with the grace of Jesus Christ to look with love. This redeemed vision is completely different from anything the pornified culture can offer.
4. Teach your children how to be a good “fire marshal”: The pornified culture is like a wildfire devouring everything in its wake. Yet the “fire” that your teens have is a desire to receive and give love; thus, the answer to the issue of pornography is not about dousing their desires, but helping them to see this fire as a gift. Inculcating the gifts of grace and virtue to direct this fire, in the appropriate time & space, will bring light and warmth to them and to all whom they encounter. If your teen is experiencing tremendous shame over an attachment to pornography & unchaste behavior, feeling trapped that he or she can never be free, know there is hope. We at Freedom Coaching would be honored to walk with your son or daughter to genuine internal freedom, peace and joy. Visit us at freedom-coaching.net for more info.

Steve Pokorny is the Founder of Freedom Coaching, a one-to-one mentoring system designed to break the power of pornified images. His book, Redeemed Vision: Setting the Blind Free from the Pornified Culture, is available from Charis Publishing.