10 things that can happen if you look at your wife with love, not lust.

Jesus teaches, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matt 5:27-28)

NEWS FLASH: Husbands, you are called to love your wife. How? As Christ loves the Church (cf. Eph 5:25ff) What did Christ do? He died for her. No pressure. This death begins first with a form of self-death, giving up often what one wants to sacrifice for what is best for the beloved. To say this is a tall order is an understatement; it’s impossible...on our own strength.

This is why it’s of the utmost importance that a man constantly relies on Christ and the grace that comes from the Sacraments of His Church. Any time we fail to love, we sacrifice our wives at the altar of our own selfishness. We invert the message of the Bridegroom from “This is my Body given up for you” into “This is your body sacrificed for my pleasure.” And just as we will have a rude awakening after we take our last breath if we pursue a life of selfishness, if we fail to love our wives consistently, there will be hell to pay.

Yes, to love our wives is a great challenge, especially in the pornified world that is programming us to use all women as objects, including the one-to-one intimate moments between you and her. Yet as many, many couples can attest, allowing lust into the bedroom – and anywhere else in one’s marriage for that matter – is a surefire way to destroy who one is supposed to hold most dear. But what were to happen if instead of looking with lust, it was actually possible to see your wife for the beauty of who she really is?

Dream with me for a moment, and check out what happens when you actually start seeing your wife – and the whole of yourmarriage – with love:

1. Intercourse becomes what it’s supposed to mean. Sex is not merely the mutual exchange of body fluids and pleasure, but is inscribed by God to be a total gift of self in love to one’s spouse. And it’s not merely “sex” but marital intercourse, expressing a renewal of the vows that you spoke to your bride on your wedding day. By respecting the place intercourse has in marriage, you will be better able to see your wife as a person to whom you have promised to give all of yourself.
2. Your sex life is off the charts. When your wife knows that you want her for her, and not as the fulfillment of your libido, this goes a long way in establishing intimacy. Sex is a particularly special form intimacy, and if your wife knows that you are cherishing her and your intimate moments together, she will reciprocate that intimacy.
3. A contented wife is a happy wife. She knows when she is loved for who she is and is happy to reciprocate that love. If you are living in the ways of the world, then grudges, anger, dissatisfaction, inferiority and more will consume your wife and marriage. A look of love instead gives her security, peace, and most of all contentment in living her life with you.
4. Your interest in her grows. You get to know your wife every single day and are constantly finding new things that you love about her. As you continue to foster that interest, she opens herself to you more, allowing you to enter deeper into her heart and the mystery of her womanhood.
5. Your marriage becomes strong. Your marriage will be one that is rich in love, forgiveness, mercy, compassion and self-surrender. How beautiful is a relationship that reflects the love of Christ? You are building your home on a solid rock instead of sand, and the test of time will bloom forth in a fruitful golden relationship, one that you can celebrate with your children and your grandchildren in years to come.
6. You become a witness to the truth about marriage to others. People are keen observers (even if they pretend like they don’t care). They watch how you interact with your wife and how you communicate with her. The loving way you see your wife will be an encouragement to others around you to do the same, which in turn will help grow stronger communities that come from strong families. You will be a witness to the indissolubility of the sacrament of marriage.
7. Your kids learn how to love and what to expect in their relationships. Nothing is more of an education in relationships and marriage than what we witness as children. It forms our mind and helps set our expectations for how to live. Thus, being an example of how to love the right way will help your sons and daughters grow into strong and secure adults. They will know what love is, what it entails, how to be loved in return. It is your investment in your marriage that is also an investment into their vocation in life.
8. You fulfill your vocation in life. You understand that marriage is not a signed, sealed and delivered situation. The work that you put into your marriage reflects the calling found in scripture. “What if I could speak all languages of humans and of angels? If I did not love others, I would be nothing more than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge? And what if I had faith that moved mountains? I would be nothing unless I loved others”(1 Corinthians 13: 1-3). When you take your vocation seriously for the Sacrament it is, you enter into the heart of God Himself, a love that is selfless.
9. You are building your legacy. You are developing a friendship, partnership and beautiful legacy to which friends and family can aspire. By loving as Christ loves His Church, you are one step closer to Heaven. Through working through the difficulties and struggles that marriage has, you are helping each other on the journey towards sanctification and sainthood. Your covenant with your wife isn’t just a commitment towards getting the bills paid and raising kids; it is a commitment to help each other grow closer with God. Dying to yourself in marriage is your stairway to heaven.
10. You will have the joy of growing old with your wife. You will be able to reap what you sow. Once you become an empty nester, the rest of your days will be spent with your best friend, your wife. After all the years if investing in your wife and your marriage, you will get to a point where the both of you are united truly as one heart. This is a result of a lot of hard work and perseverance. How joyful will it be when you look at your wife, 30 years from now, and say, “My wife and I are truly one!”

You are not alone in this quest. There are married Saints who lived this look of love. Let’s take a look at one of my favorite couples, St. Zelie and St. Louis Martin:

St. Zelie and St. Louis Martin are the parents of St. Thérèse of Liseux. They had 9 children, 4 who died during infancy and the other 5 who went on to become nuns. They had such affection for each other that can be seen from their letters to each other during periods of absence due to travel or work. They relied completely on Christ to bring them together and keep them together, turning to Him in all moments of difficulty and struggle. They are the second married couple to be beatified together. St. Zelie and St. Louis Martin are the patron saints of illness, mental illness, marriage, parenting and widowers.

Here’s an interesting fact about the Martins:

“One interesting note on the Martins is that they began their marriage with ten months of celibacy.  They wanted to imitate the Holy Family in a “Josephite marriage.” After briefly fostering a neighbor’s son and being advised to change course by a spiritual director, they were eventually persuaded to have children, but they did not regret these celibate months.  “I believe our mutual affection was even more increased through this,”  Zélie wrote.  As is often the case for couples practicing abstinence during fertile periods while using NFP, the Martins had to learn to show their love in other ways, and became more united spiritually.”

(Taken from https://holiermatrimony.com/?p=339)

I highly recommend the following prayer, asking for their intercession in your marriage:

Saints Louis and Zelie,

you who in your life as a couple and as parents,

gave witness to an exemplary Christian life,

putting God first,

by the exercise of your state duty and the practice of the Gospel virtues,

we turn to you:
 
Help us to have unshakeable trust in God and to abandon ourselves to His Will,

as you did through the joys but also the trials,

the mourning and the suffering with which your life has been marked.
 
Help us to love God with all our heart,

to persevere in our daily difficulties and to dwell in joy and hope

that a living faith in Christ gives us.
 
Intercede for us so that we obtain the graces we need

today and every day of our lives.

Amen.
 
Saints Louis and Zélie, pray for us.
 
Imprimatur +Jacques Habert, Bishop of Séez, 26 May 2016

Seeing your wife with love is a challenge, But it’s worth it. 

Let’s make this practical: For the next 30 days, begin learning how to really see. Your wife will thank you. What do you have to lose?

If you have taken the challenge, we would love to hear from you. Let us know in the comment section below on how looking at your wife with love is transforming your marriage.

Steve Pokorny is the Founder of Freedom Coaching, a one-to-one mentoring system designed to break the power of pornified images in both men and women. His book, Redeemed Vision: Setting the Blind Free from the Pornified Culture, is available from Amazon.